The New Nana

Many Modern Grandparents Take on a Bigger, Bolder Role in Grandchildren’s Lives

By Kate Poindexter

Photography by Turner Photography Studio

Being a grandparent is about a lot more than baking cookies and helping with birthday parties for Linda Diamond-Brudner.

She helps her daughter and son-in-law by taking care of two grandkids three days a week. She takes a 4-year-old back and forth to preschool and cares for an 18-month-old. “I go to their house,” she says. “It’s much easier. All their toys and clothes are there.”

There, Diamon-Bruner manages doctor and dentist appointments, meals, play time and nap time. It requires a high energy level, but she says she wouldn’t trade it for any other occupation. “I get paid in hugs and kisses,” she says.

Forget about going over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house. She’s in the pick-up lane at school, getting ready to drive her grandchildren home. Or, she might have sent her grands off to school that morning after prepping a healthy breakfast and ensuring they were wearing the proper shoes for a field trip. Modern day grandparenting for a growing number of households is a little less grand and a little more parenting. 

Linda Diamond-Brudner

“As a grandma, I see a lot of my friends are caring for their grandchildren as daycare, or even raising their grandchildren. They are a lot more involved in caretaking and babysitting,” says Cindi Webb, who has been on the front lines of the changes as a mother, foster parent, grandparent and owner of the Learning Bee, a preschool and childcare center on River Run Road in Frederick. She also owns the Frederick Country Day Montessori & Arts School, and Music Together Frederick, an early childhood music program.

Webb gets to what many see as the impetus of the need for the active grandparent: money.

“Things have definitely changed for working parents,” she says. “Everything is more expensive now.”

Economic challenges are a major factor in the grandparents’ expanding roles with grandchildren, according to Brad Petersen, director of the department of resources and service navigation at the Frederick County Division on Aging and Independence. “We have seen an increase in the number of grandparents who are providing greater caregiving for grandchildren, and we provide a range of supportive services for them.”

“A huge part of it is economic. The prices of homes, cars and even groceries require both parents to work,” says Kristina Foley, a grandmother who along with her husband John have provided caregiving for six of their nine grandchildren. They provide daycare for three grandkids on a regular basis and help with pick-ups and after-school activities for three more. Her days are filled with getting kids on the school bus and taking them to parks and the public library where she meets other grandparents who are doing the same thing. 

“I’ve met a lot of nice friends. At least 50 percent are grandparents,” she says.  

Foley, like Diamond-Brudner, gushes about her grandchildren and clearly enjoys her ever-expanding role in raising the next generation. 

The Learning Bee

“The joy that these grandchildren bring every day and knowing we have an impact as to the wonderful little people they are becoming is such a blessing I wish all grandparents could experience,” she says. Knowing the names of their friends, teachers, coaches and relishing in their triumphs and problem solving with their ‘sad times’ are all cherished moments. My husband coached the little ones in two basketball teams and T-ball. He also is a huge part of their everyday life. They call him Pop-Pop and can’t wait to hug him and play catch daily. We are so blessed to have all of our nine grandkids in the area and are able to enjoy and help with all their sporting events and interests weekly. We couldn’t be luckier grandparents.”  

Diamond-Bruner agrees: “I feel very close to my grandchildren. It’s just like motherhood. A hard job but the most rewarding. I’m having the life now with my grandchildren that I would have wanted with my children.”

Other Factors

For some families, it is not just the expense of daycare that creates a need for parenting assistance as they face serious social issues like addiction, housing and incarceration. “Substance use disorder is hitting our families hard. The whole family is affected. There is this day-to-day figuring out how to raise the children,” says Latoya Smothers, family services manager at the Head Start Program at the YMCA of Frederick County. 

Smothers says traditional roles are changing and some grandparents feel it is unfair and uncomfortable: They want to be grandparents, they want their families to succeed and they want to contribute to the community. “It’s hard to do that when you don’t know how to meet basic needs,” she says.

Healthcare can be a challenge, too. She says every program’s eligibility is different and that presents challenges. The child may qualify for Medicaid, but the grandparent may not. Some grandparents may be dealing with their own disability or health problem.

Head Start provides services to help families who face these difficulties. A family advocate is assigned who assesses the needs of the child. The advocate works with the caregiver or guardian on goal development. The advocate walks them through the services.

John Foley

Brandi, who asked not to give her last name, is a grandmother who has full custody of her 4-year-old grandson. They are currently experiencing homelessness and are living in a hotel in Frederick County. “This is the hardest I’ve ever had to live,” she says. Before her current situation, “A hotel was for vacations and now I’ve been living in one for two months.”

Family advocates at Head Start are helping Brandi identify options and apply for housing programs that may land her and her grandson in a one-bedroom apartment in the coming months. Brandi has accessed food and clothing assistance and continues to work with Head Start to ensure that her young grandson’s developmental, educational and housing needs are met. “They have been wonderful,” she says.

Smothers says there are many who need assistance and “like Spider-Man, we have to figure out as a community a way to create that spider web of services that fill gaps so people don’t fall through. The web has to be larger. A very intricate and smooth spider web.”

The Division on Aging and Independence is part of the web. Among other programs, it provides services for overstretched grandparents who may need a break. The Grandparent/Relative Respite Care Grant provides temporary relief from day-to-day caregiving responsibilities. Grandparents can receive up to $600 in reimbursement funds for expense like summer camp, daycare and babysitting. Petersen says other caregiver assistance programs are available on the division’s web site: frederickcountymd.gov/54/Aging-and-Independence.

The Learning Bee

COVID Changes

The COVID-19 pandemic played havoc with children’s routines at school and home and caused challenges for childcare. Daycare centers developed stricter rules for children who had cold symptoms or slight fevers. “If they showed two symptoms they had to stay out,” says Rebekah McCarty, director at Learning Bee. And grandparents often were called upon to take care of sick children who could not attend school or daycare.

“It was very difficult for our families. Drop-off was at the door, parents and grandparents couldn’t walk kids to the classroom. There was a lot of separation anxiety with COVID,” says Webb.

According to Smothers, COVID’s adverse effects on children are lingering. “They were not socialized and it had an impact on speech development and [they exhibited] challenging behaviors,” she says.

Rebekah McCarty

Despite all the challenges, many grandparents insist the rewards of hands-on caring for grandchildren more than make up for the work. Modern kids’ activities are different than the things their grandparents did for fun. How can grandparents compete with kids’ attachments to phones, social media, and video games?

It’s simple, says McCarty. “Pour the love into your grandchildren. Nurture them at home so they can thrive in the world. They need nurturing to feel love and connection.”

SAFETY TIPS FOR WATCHING GRANDCHILDREN

So, you have been asked to watch your grandchildren. That’s great. But it may have been years since young children have been in your home, which might not be so child-proof. That isn’t great. Here are some tips for safely watching your grandchildren:

• Keep small items like coins, beads, buttons and batteries out of reach to prevent a choking hazard. The batteries that power hearing aids are not only a choking risk but extremely toxic if swallowed.

• Move medicine bottles out of reach of children because they are choking and poisoning hazards. Many medicines are colorful and attractive; don’t allow these to be a case of mistaken identity for a little one who thinks they’re candy.

• Secure household cleaners and toiletries in locked cabinets.

• Learn the ABCs of safe sleep: alone, on the back and in the crib. Pillows, blankets and stuffed animals are not safe, because they are suffocation hazards.

• In the car, babies and small children must always be properly restrained in a car seat appropriate for their weight, height and age.

• Older kids must always wear a properly fitted bike helmet when they’re using bicycles.

• If there are any firearms in the house, store them separately from the ammunition in locked locations. Never allow a baby or child near a firearm. Gun locks are recommended.

• Know important phone numbers: mom and dad, child’s school, child’s pediatrician and the poison center. Post these phone numbers in the home and also program them into cellphones.

Source: Vanderbilt Health